Learning to assume positive intent
*** Post #32: Learning positive intent
3 minutes past. I sent a friendly message as a reminder. 5 minutes. I’m still looking at an empty Zoom room. The clock is ticking. 7 minutes late. The person, Amy, who I had never met had pushed for a time today. It showed up on my calendar on a day where I had 10 meetings, so I was not enthusiastic that she was not there and not responding.
All these years I have trained my mind to think one positive thought at a time is having no impact on what I am thinking and feeling now. My mind is imagining a person who is blatantly missing the meeting because another call ran over or someone who is working on something and purposefully prioritizing that over our scheduled call or someone who simply did not bother to send a note to cancel when something came up. My mind is thinking the worst about her intentions.
Of course, when the person joined 8 minutes in, she seemed panicked and stressed. She profusely apologized and mentioned that her computer rebooted because of a mandatory security update (which I recall getting myself) and then having a hard time to log back on to Zoom (which happens often for me after a reboot). She was sincere in her apologies. I suddenly feel her stress. Instead of feeling annoyed, my emotions are that of empathy and understanding.
Why could I not have started with positive intent on my side, instead of letting my mind veer to the dark side? My ex-colleague, Mark Capps, did a great job teaching me about the importance of assuming positive intent. I have tried and tried, yet it is so easy to get sucked into starting with assuming negative intent. It serves as self protection if something goes wrong.
My approach is still a work-in-progress as the concept of assuming positive intent is not as easy as turning on or off a light switch. Like any habit, it takes time. However, this habit has a foundation (e.g., attitude, etc) that is deeply ingrained in who we are and how we grew up.
Growing up as an immigrant family, we were always treated like outsiders so our approach to others is one of self protection. I grew up watching my mom be cautious in any situation. By assuming and expecting the worst thing that can happen, we prepared ourselves to face the unfamiliar world that we were in. That has translated to me adopting that approach of self protection by assuming the worst and not trusting quickly.
Though it will be a long journey, here is how I am learning to assume positive intent.
Step back: What I have learned a while back is that whenever I am feeling negative, what is useful is to step back and take a moment to relax. Take my mind off of what I have been focused on by taking a few deep breaths and clear my mind. A quick break to grab coffee and walk around for a few minutes helps. The goal is to break up my thinking so that my thoughts change from the negative ones to something, actually anything, else.
Identify and accept my feelings, objectively: The first step I am doing is to recognize how I am feeling when I am assuming a positive or negative intention on a situation. I try not to judge myself even if the intentions are negative. I want to identify and even name the feeling, with the goal of uncovering the root cause. Annoyed was how I felt with Amy. I was rushed from meeting to meeting that day, so it was more of a function of feeling like my time was wasted on a busy day.
Visualize scenarios with positive intent: This last part is the hard one. I need to mentally start with the other person’s perspective in mind and assume positivity of their intent in my visualization. Imagine myself in Amy’s shoes where I requested a meeting. I really want to talk to that person and I need to feel that urgency. Then, what situations could prevent me from making the meeting? An accident at home with the kids? An emergency with another stream of work? Unplanned internet or computer problems? If I am able to feel the urgency and desire to want the meeting, my mind can come up with so many ideas on blockers to prevent me from going. Evaluating each scenario as if it is happening changes my feelings. Instead of feeling annoyed, should I feel worried?
Though it sounds easy, the ability to assume positive intent may be challenging if your starting point is different. Yet, the ability is a powerful one that alters how we look at others and the world. It is an ability that I will continue to practice until it becomes a habit.
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